10 days until departure

"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim"

I have heard this quote hundreds of times. I hardcore relate to it. If you were to ask me the question, "who are you?", I don't know how I would respond. I am a lover of too many things. I am an optimist, a giver, a trapeze artist, an idealist, a smiler, a broadway-show-belter-on-long-car-rides-er, a learner, and an adventurer. I am Kathleen, I am Kate, y me llamo Catalina. I am a New Yorker, I am always busy, and I am generally a functional hot mess. I am always running somewhere, doing something, all while attempting to juggle relationships with my family and friends. The name of the game is balance. I have, in vain, attempted to balance cell biology, a romantic relationship, organic chemistry, friendships with 100+ people from all over the world, being a D1 athlete, upper-level sociology courses, memberships in the biology club, the chemistry club, and the community service club, while planning a service trip to South Africa, being a good roommate, being a tour guide for my school, tutoring, and somehow attempting to get somewhere from 5-8 hours of sleep a night. 

It didn't work out so well for me.

I was burnt out, stressed out, tired 24/7, sick of smelling like chlorine, not retaining the information I needed to do well in my classes, and generally pretty miserable. I was frustrated that I only had one body, that I needed to sleep, and that I could not be everywhere doing everything. This past year in particular, I learned that you have to pick and choose what is important to you. 

And here, in the epic saga of KEA, is where I start relating to the quote. I picked school. I love to learn. I love to reason. I love to think. To be honest, I would rather spend most saturday nights discussing ethical issues and social experiments than drinking a beer tower (or five) unlike the majority of 21-year-olds. Don't get me wrong. I can and will dance on tables with the best of them. However, I love school. If I could be a professional college student, I would. However sometimes usually, I feel like I can't explore my interests because I am too focused on earning admission to a graduate program, getting an internship, etc. "If you want to go to medical school, you need to take these classes, get these grades, and check these extra-curricular activities off your list". I cannot explain how many times I have heard that since my junior year of high school. I had spent hours and hours crafting the perfect "me" that medical schools want. Good grades! Hard classes! Foreign service work! Foreign medical service work! Hours of community service! Social sciences! Hard sciences! I have spent so long trying to keep my academic achievements on par with everyone else, that I have forgotten how much I love to learn. I wish I had another four years to take classes in Global Gender Studies, Physics, Spanish, Environmental Science, Philosophy, Psychology, and Rhetoric Literature. I wish I could have 20 more majors. I wish I could debate with people about the use of the oxford comma. One of my absolute favorite classes was Organic Chemistry. I did not get the best grade in the class. I wasn't even close. I wish I could take it again, without being graded. I feel like I would enjoy the journey of learning syntheses and mechanisms much more. I wish I could learn in an environment where I was not judged for everything I do by 5 letters of the alphabet.

As I start the application process to medical schools and graduate schools, I realize that to the application committees, I am not Kathleen Ackert: lover of everyone and everything. I am white. I am female. I am financially able to attend whatever school I want to. I am a biology major. I am 3.31. I am whatever I score on the MCAT. I am the girl that quit her athletics career because it was too much to handle as a science major. I am the girl who was incredibly disappointed in herself because she got a B- in general chemistry her first semester. I am the girl who studied abroad on the Galápagos Islands. I am the one who will probably talk too much and too passionately in her interviews, and they'll wonder if I am able to be committed to one thing. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am just perfectly mediocre at lots of things, and if my expected degree in biology will actually give me real-world skills that I need to succeed as a doctor/biologist/public-health-policy-maker/person. Am I actually a charlatan that just paid way too much for a piece of paper that says that I have a B.S in Biology? Bachelor of science, or bullshit? 

My goal for my senior year is to add the word "no" to my vocabulary. I am sure this was one of the first words I learned, and one of my favorites for a long time as a toddler. I'm not too sure where or when I lost it. All I know (see, I can use homonyms!) is that for the last 6 to 7 years of my life, I have  been saying "yes" to everything and anything people ask of me. Of course I can help you with the biomechanics homework. Yes, I can be the TA for two Organic Chemistry labs. Sure, I'd love to give you a ride to the airport at 4 am. I have been saying "yes" and all of its synonyms to things that I might have not wanted to do for years and years and years because I don't want to disappoint people. I want people to think I'm dependable. But here's the thing. If you're a dependable person, people depend on you to do stuff. I'm also responsible. When you're a responsible person, people give you tons and tons of responsibilities. The major theme I've realized is that my life has started to revolve around the people I'm helping, instead of my own interests. Is this a bad thing? At first, people would say yes. You have to think of yourself first! You need to be healthy- physically and mentally- in order to help others. I wonder then, why I have been taught for so much of my life to put others before myself. As a member of the Catholic Church and a member of the Ackert family, I have learned to be generous, forgiving, honest, trustworthy, friendly, helpful, and considerate. So what am I supposed to do?

The golden rule, according to my wonderful kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Rosza, is to treat the others the way you want to be treated. After taking a few philosophy classes and attending a Franciscan school, I have some questions that pertain to this. St. Francis says in his peace prayer, "for it is in giving that we receive". So if I am giving purely for the purpose of receiving something in return, am I really giving? If I give because I want to give, but also because I know I will receive something, am I still giving? And what am I receiving? Happiness? Love? Another few lines for my resume? Something to talk about in medical school interviews? I draw parallels back to the golden rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. So if I put someone else's needs before my own, am I basically saying that I want others to put my needs before mine?

Basically, today, I'm a little conflicted about things. Hopefully one day I will figure this all out. But for now, I am going to keep giving, keep smiling, and keep loving. Because even if I am technically being selfish for gaining happiness from giving, I love being happy.

21st birthday!

I celebrated my 21st birthday yesterday! Although the drinking age is 18 here, my family knew that 21 is a big birthday in the states, and planned accordingly! As promised, Pepe came to dinner with the bottle of whiskey. I can now say that I do not like whiskey. We had chicken, rice, and potatoes for dinner, and afterwards, my family brought out a cake! We have three french volunteers staying with us right now, so I got "Happy Birthday" sung to me in 3 different languages!

After dinner, I went to Iguana Rock with my friends. It is my favorite bar/discotec here! I gave them a flash drive with a "gringa mix" on it, and they played it for me all night. It was a great night with my friends.

Scuba pictures

Words, palabras, etc.

I am 13 days away from being back in the United States, and 4 hours away from being 21. I am having trouble describing how I feel, so I turned to John Koenig's, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Occhiloism (n): the awareness of the smallness of your perspective, by which you couldn’t possibly draw any meaningful conclusions at all, about the world or the past or the complexities of culture, because although your life is an epic and unrepeatable anecdote, it still only has a sample size of one, and may end up being the control for a much wilder experiment happening in the next room.


Liberosis (n): the desire to care less about things—to loosen your grip on your life, to stop glancing behind you every few steps, afraid that someone will snatch it from you before you reach the end zone—rather to hold your life loosely and playfully, like a volleyball, keeping it in the air, with only quick fleeting interventions, bouncing freely in the hands of trusted friends, always in play.


Onism (n): the frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time, which is like standing in front of the departures screen at an airport, flickering over with strange place names like other people’s passwords, each representing one more thing you’ll never get to see before you die—and all because, as the arrow on the map helpfully points out, you are here.


Rückkehrunruhe (n): the feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness—to the extent you have to keep reminding yourself that it happened at all, even though it felt so vivid just days ago—which makes you wish you could smoothly cross-dissolve back into everyday life, or just hold the shutter open indefinitely and let one scene become superimposed on the next, so all your days would run together and you’d never have to call cut.


Vemödalen (n): the frustration of photographing something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist—the same sunset, the same waterfall, the same curve of a hip, the same closeup of an eye—which can turn a unique subject into something hollow and pulpy and cheap, like a mass-produced piece of furniture you happen to have assembled yourself.

Fotos y español

Hola mi amigos! Yo quiero practicar mi español, entonces, estoy escribiendo eso articulo en español. Yo no tengo mucho practica escribiendo, solo hablando. Estoy tomiendo un classe de español proximo semestre, y yo pienso es interesante regresar y mira a mi articulo y vi mi escribiendo mal. Yo no tengo mucho vocabulario, y yo no se como conjugar en el futuro. Solo in presente y pasado. Yo tube un clase de español aquí, pero yo no aprendi mucho. Estaba muy estúpido.

Yo tengo un fin de semana bueno en Floreana y Santa Cruz. Yo fui con mi amiga, pero ella no habla español. Nada. Ella no sabe "yo tengo", o "Cuanto cuesta". Muy difficile ire lugares, porque mi español is no bien también. Yo se un poco ire otra lugares solo. Ella esta yendo a Colombia y Peru solo, y estoy muy miedo.

Estoy muy emocionada aprender mas español! Eso articulo estaba muy dificile escribir.

Mi "novio" aqui, Amir

Las Grietas

Arriba en Floreana!

Cabeza de Floreana

Playa Negra! El arena es negra porque 

Antes mi primero buceo (fiasco)

Scuba selfie con tiberon

Mi secundo buceo

Con Darwin!

A la finca de El Mas Quierdo, una lugar de almuerzo

Nosotros no gustamos papaya

Vamos a Floreana!

"When you go abroad, you'll get to travel a lot. I saw x countries in one semester!" I have heard people say this to me countless amounts of times. X would regularly equal 5, 10, or 15 countries. My friends who are abroad in Europe have been jet-setting all over; if you count Ryan Air as jet-setting. Studying abroad in South America is a little different. A bunch of my friends are backpacking through Peru, Colombia, and Argentina afterwards, but because I have summer research, I'll be going home directly after my program ends. My mom told me that I would want to travel afterwards! (Note to self: moms always know best). I guess that's just an excuse to come back to South America one day! 

I traveled a little bit in Quito. Part of my tropical ecology class included field trips to the Tiputini Biodiversity Station, Río Topo, and the Paramo. We also stayed the weekend in Baños after we went to Río Topo. That was my favorite weekend in Ecuador. Baños is the adventure capital of the world, and has really awesome nightlife! I would have traveled more, but I was a little hesitant because my spanish skills weren't great in Quito. We also went island hopping for spring break. Again, these trips were planned by the school. Santa Cruz, Bartolomé, and Isabela were absolutely gorgeous. Just a taste of seeing some of the other islands led me to want more. 

I knew there were some islands that were completely out of the question. For example, the island of Fernandina is only open to researchers, and Darwin and Wolf are only accessible by cruise ship. My best option looked like it was Floreana. Floreana is only accessible via Santa Cruz.  I tried vehemently to organize a trip straight there. If you have enough people, you can charter a boat there. However, I didn't have enough people interested, so instead my friend Karli and I are going to do a weekend mini island hopping trip! 

I am writing this on the two hour boat ride to Santa Cruz. I don't have class today, so I was able to catch the 7 am ferry over. Karli will take the 2 pm ferry over and meet me this afternoon. After getting absolutely everything planned for us, it was a bit of a different experience to attempt to plan a trip by ourselves. Because my Spanish is better than Karli's, I am going to find a hostel for us to stay at this morning. Then, I am going to go to Las Grietas. The word grieta means crack, and that is exactly what Las Grietas are. They are cracks in the lava that have filled up with ocean water. I am so excited to snorkel in them! There are a few of them, and in one of them there is an underwater tunnel that you can swim through with one large breath, and that the other side opens up to gorgeousness. Since drowning is one of my worst fears, I might not be doing that. Actually, I probably will. Sorry mom. 

On Saturday we are going to go to Floreana for the day. We will go to a black sand beach and get a tour of the highlands. I really wanted to go to the post office there, but it's only accessible by cruise ship. It's so interesting! It's not a traditional post office at all. It's literally a barrel, and when you go there, you're supposed to look through all the letters and if you find one that's close to where you live, you're supposed to take it and hand deliver it. Our friends in the marine track will also be coming to Santa Cruz that night, so we are going to meet up with them and go to Bongo, which is a cool bar/disco on the malecon. It's my birthday weekend, so I'm excited to dance! 

On Sunday, Karli and I are going to see if we can scuba dive in Santa Cruz. I don't know if we will be able to dive and then make the afternoon boat back, but we will see! I am excited to see how my trip planning skills work out! 

I am also extremely thankful that I don't get seasick. 

Kate: The Translator

My family recently got three new volunteers from France. I thought it would be fairly easy to talk to them because Spanish and French are both romance languages, and I took four years of French in high school, plus two years of Latin in middle school. I guess as I learned more and more Spanish, my French left my brain. I could barely get a word out when I tried to speak with them in french! Brother David and Miss. Emmanuel would be so disappointed in me. I was so good at French in high school! My spanish speaking skills have way surpassed my french speaking skills. As I try to talk with them more and more, I am remembering stuff, but I feel so clueless! They do also speak a little english, which is nice.

I knew it was going to be difficult for me to speak with them, however, I did not realize how difficult it was going to be for my host family to speak to them! So basically, I am forced to translate. I’ll listen in either french or english, and then do my best to translate to spanish. Muy dificil! (or tres difficile, depending on whom you’re talking to).

Even though I’m still bad at Spanish, I actually realized that I am not as terrible as I thought I was. I have learned an incredible amount of Spanish since January. The other students in my program are actually amazed that I’ve almost caught up to the intermediate class! I think that this had to do with my confidence in speaking. From the moment I stepped off the plane in Quito, if I needed something or wanted to share something, I said it. No matter how bad I sounded, or even if I was completely wrong, I was always able to somehow convey what I wanted to say. Charades helped a lot in the beginning, and now I can usually just speak. I do have to say things in a roundabout way sometimes though, just because my vocabulary is pretty limited. If there was one piece of advice I would give a student coming here, it would be to just really put yourself out there when speaking in spanish. Your family will correct you when you’re wrong, and you’ll learn a lot! When I talk to the locals, a lot of them say that they can only speak English if they've had a drink or two! Speaking in a new language makes you so vulnerable, but I think you really just have to go for it. Even if you make mistakes, they’ll be really funny. (See my Kate vs. Spanish post). I have decided to sign up for a spanish class in the fall, so I can keep learning. Being abroad in a spanish speaking country has helped me decide that I definitely would like to be fluent in spanish.