"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim"
I have heard this quote hundreds of times. I hardcore relate to it. If you were to ask me the question, "who are you?", I don't know how I would respond. I am a lover of too many things. I am an optimist, a giver, a trapeze artist, an idealist, a smiler, a broadway-show-belter-on-long-car-rides-er, a learner, and an adventurer. I am Kathleen, I am Kate, y me llamo Catalina. I am a New Yorker, I am always busy, and I am generally a functional hot mess. I am always running somewhere, doing something, all while attempting to juggle relationships with my family and friends. The name of the game is balance. I have, in vain, attempted to balance cell biology, a romantic relationship, organic chemistry, friendships with 100+ people from all over the world, being a D1 athlete, upper-level sociology courses, memberships in the biology club, the chemistry club, and the community service club, while planning a service trip to South Africa, being a good roommate, being a tour guide for my school, tutoring, and somehow attempting to get somewhere from 5-8 hours of sleep a night.
It didn't work out so well for me.
I was burnt out, stressed out, tired 24/7, sick of smelling like chlorine, not retaining the information I needed to do well in my classes, and generally pretty miserable. I was frustrated that I only had one body, that I needed to sleep, and that I could not be everywhere doing everything. This past year in particular, I learned that you have to pick and choose what is important to you.
And here, in the epic saga of KEA, is where I start relating to the quote. I picked school. I love to learn. I love to reason. I love to think. To be honest, I would rather spend most saturday nights discussing ethical issues and social experiments than drinking a beer tower (or five) unlike the majority of 21-year-olds. Don't get me wrong. I can and will dance on tables with the best of them. However, I love school. If I could be a professional college student, I would. However sometimes usually, I feel like I can't explore my interests because I am too focused on earning admission to a graduate program, getting an internship, etc. "If you want to go to medical school, you need to take these classes, get these grades, and check these extra-curricular activities off your list". I cannot explain how many times I have heard that since my junior year of high school. I had spent hours and hours crafting the perfect "me" that medical schools want. Good grades! Hard classes! Foreign service work! Foreign medical service work! Hours of community service! Social sciences! Hard sciences! I have spent so long trying to keep my academic achievements on par with everyone else, that I have forgotten how much I love to learn. I wish I had another four years to take classes in Global Gender Studies, Physics, Spanish, Environmental Science, Philosophy, Psychology, and Rhetoric Literature. I wish I could have 20 more majors. I wish I could debate with people about the use of the oxford comma. One of my absolute favorite classes was Organic Chemistry. I did not get the best grade in the class. I wasn't even close. I wish I could take it again, without being graded. I feel like I would enjoy the journey of learning syntheses and mechanisms much more. I wish I could learn in an environment where I was not judged for everything I do by 5 letters of the alphabet.
As I start the application process to medical schools and graduate schools, I realize that to the application committees, I am not Kathleen Ackert: lover of everyone and everything. I am white. I am female. I am financially able to attend whatever school I want to. I am a biology major. I am 3.31. I am whatever I score on the MCAT. I am the girl that quit her athletics career because it was too much to handle as a science major. I am the girl who was incredibly disappointed in herself because she got a B- in general chemistry her first semester. I am the girl who studied abroad on the Galápagos Islands. I am the one who will probably talk too much and too passionately in her interviews, and they'll wonder if I am able to be committed to one thing.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just perfectly mediocre at lots of things, and if my expected degree in biology will actually give me real-world skills that I need to succeed as a doctor/biologist/public-health-policy-maker/person. Am I actually a charlatan that just paid way too much for a piece of paper that says that I have a B.S in Biology? Bachelor of science, or bullshit?
My goal for my senior year is to add the word "no" to my vocabulary. I am sure this was one of the first words I learned, and one of my favorites for a long time as a toddler. I'm not too sure where or when I lost it. All I know (see, I can use homonyms!) is that for the last 6 to 7 years of my life, I have been saying "yes" to everything and anything people ask of me. Of course I can help you with the biomechanics homework. Yes, I can be the TA for two Organic Chemistry labs. Sure, I'd love to give you a ride to the airport at 4 am. I have been saying "yes" and all of its synonyms to things that I might have not wanted to do for years and years and years because I don't want to disappoint people. I want people to think I'm dependable. But here's the thing. If you're a dependable person, people depend on you to do stuff. I'm also responsible. When you're a responsible person, people give you tons and tons of responsibilities. The major theme I've realized is that my life has started to revolve around the people I'm helping, instead of my own interests. Is this a bad thing? At first, people would say yes. You have to think of yourself first! You need to be healthy- physically and mentally- in order to help others. I wonder then, why I have been taught for so much of my life to put others before myself. As a member of the Catholic Church and a member of the Ackert family, I have learned to be generous, forgiving, honest, trustworthy, friendly, helpful, and considerate. So what am I supposed to do?
The golden rule, according to my wonderful kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Rosza, is to treat the others the way you want to be treated. After taking a few philosophy classes and attending a Franciscan school, I have some questions that pertain to this. St. Francis says in his peace prayer, "for it is in giving that we receive". So if I am giving purely for the purpose of receiving something in return, am I really giving? If I give because I want to give, but also because I know I will receive something, am I still giving? And what am I receiving? Happiness? Love? Another few lines for my resume? Something to talk about in medical school interviews? I draw parallels back to the golden rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. So if I put someone else's needs before my own, am I basically saying that I want others to put my needs before mine?
Basically, today, I'm a little conflicted about things. Hopefully one day I will figure this all out. But for now, I am going to keep giving, keep smiling, and keep loving. Because even if I am technically being selfish for gaining happiness from giving, I love being happy.
