I feel like for my entire life I have been the little perfect girl. You know, the one who does all of her assignments, exercises regularly to keep trim, attends church, and always follows the rules.
I would never dare think of spiking my juice at lunch with caña on my 21st birthday, traveling by myself to an island where I don’t speak the language, or eating a pastry from the bakery every day. Yes, that’s right, every day. I did all of these things. I have always craved adventure, but I never really let myself go. Sure, I’d flip off a diving board 10 feet in the air, but I never reallypushed the boundaries of my abilities. Sure, I’d study for an exam, but once 12 pm hit, I would stop. "If I don’t know it by now, I never will”, is what I would say to myself. Sure, I’d go to church, sing, read, and go through the motions, but I don’t know if I have ever really allowed myself to try to connect with God on a deep level.
I’m kind of sick of being this little perfect blob that allows others to tell her what to do and when to do it. I’ve made a promise to myself for this upcoming year. I am not going to let what others think of me define how I act around them. If I love the way someone laughs, I am going to tell her. If I want to take a class that is unrelated to my major, I’m going to take it. If I am in an interview for grad/med school and someone tells me to explain why I like to help people, I am going to say that it makes me happy. I’m not going to spend hours crafting the perfect little bullshit answer that they want to or are expecting to hear. Making other people happy makes me happy and feel fulfilled, and that should be enough.
Instead of always assuming that my professors always have the right answer, I am going to look things up for myself. Yes, Dr. So-and-So, those are some great ways to fix what is going on with the public health system in this country, but how about looking at it from this perspective? I have let teachers my entire life tell me what to do, and how to do it. I’m ready to think for myself. To form my own opinions. To say what I think it best, instead of spitting back a paragraph from a textbook. I’m not saying that teachers and textbooks aren’t good resources. They are. I have learned so much from them for a good part of my life. But I think it’s time that I take the reins.
I need to learn for myself. There's a story I once heard about an American visiting an African village. She saw a young child reaching for the fire and slapped his hand away. An elder in the village scolded her, and said, “if you do that you will need to watch him carefully for your whole life”. Of course, I would prevent children from touching fire. However, there is a need for children to be able to learn. Am I actually able to learn, or have I been memorizing shit my teachers have been spewing at me for my entire life? By punishing him for letting him explore, she may have undermined his motivation to learn for his entire life.
If there’s one thing I’ll take away from my time spent here, it’s motivation and desire to make the world a happier place. I desire to do good in my tiny place in the world now so much more than I ever have before. I am a little speck. A little blob. I owe it to myself to do something remarkable with my life.
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